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CHUB ROW

CONSTABLE:
Have you been overindulging at all this evening Ma’am?
LADY
It’s a fair cop, I done it all, no doubt about that then Officer.
CONSTABLE
Blow into the Breathalyzer, please.
LADY:
Yes Officer
CONSTABLE:
One nice big, deep breath.
LADY:
Ok I admit it! You got me! I’ve lost my figure!
CONSTABLE:
You confess?
LADY:
Yes! Yes! I lost it somewhere between the birth of my last child and the Patisserie on the corner. If you only knew the pressure I’m under, how much I’ve tried to stay clean, to resist…
CONSTABLE:
If you could blow into the nozzle again Ma’am, nice and easy.
LADY:
The last time I remember positively sighting it, was Christmas 2013, I was wearing a smallish swimsuit and nibbling a carrot, which is why I remember.
CONSTABLE:
If you could step outside the vehicle Ma’am, we have a positive F.A.T. reading.
LADY:
Is it as bad as all that?
CONSTABLE:
What’s in your hand?
LADY:
D’you mean this small, inoffensive chocolate éclair?
CONSTABLE:
HIT THE DECK FELLAS! SHE’S ARMED!
MEGAPHONE :
COME OUT SLOWLY, MA’AM, HANDS IN THE AIR, PUT THE ÉCLAIR DOWN.
LADY:
D’you really think that’s necessary?
MEGAPHONE :
PUT THE ECLAIR DOWN, WE HAVE YOU SURROUNDED!
LADY:
Oh all right. All right.
CONSTABLE:
I am arresting you for grievous bodily harm. You do not have to say anything.
But it may harm your defence if you do not mention when questioned something, which
you later rely on in court. Anything you do say may be given in evidence.
CONSTABLE:
Empty your pockets please.
LADY:
Am I in for a grilling?
CONSTABLE:
It’s an unpalatable part of the Job Ma’am, but if you could keep your hands where I
can see them.
‘Ello, ‘Ello, what have we here?
LADY:
They’re just my emergency supplies for personal use. Look there’s a muesli bar,
that’s healthy isn’t it?
CONSTABLE:
Dated March 1998, not keen on muesli are we?
What’s in the plastic bag?
LADY:
Cinnamon
CONSTABLE:
A dealer? That really takes the cake!
We’ll have to take a statement, fingerprint and photograph you.
LADY:
Is there no crumb of hope?
CONSTABLE:
Sorry Lady, you’ve crossed over to the dark side of the gateaux.
LADY:
What will happen to me?
CONSTABLE:
Repeat offenders like you? You’ll go the way of all flesh I imagine…
LADY:
Not…Chub Row?
CONSTABLE:
Chub Row!

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