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Teen Manifesto

If your day starts with attempts to rouse your teenager from sleep, be advised that pleasantries such as “Wakey, wakey, rise and shine”, or “ Darling, you’ll be late for school” will have NO affect on the doona-encrusted youth. (Cold water is quite effective!) Usually, it’s not until “LATE” has become “REALLY LATE” that there is any movement at all. At which point, there’s a flurry of activity directed mostly at the bathroom mirror and the-looking-for-of-socks. Take my advice, lie low, sip your cappuccino and remain sanguine in the face of the comment “Why didn’t you get me up on time?”
In fact, I’ve compiled a teen manifesto:

  1. You’re the worst mum/dad/parent in the world!
  2. Why are you so embarrassing?
  3. Are you really going to wear that?
  4. You think you know everything
  5. You don’t know anything
  6. Old people are basically redundant
  7. Where are you? You’re late!
  8. Where’s my…?
  9. Can my friends’ sleepover?
  10. Can I have a party?
  11. Leave me alone!
  12. Get out of my room!
  13. I am not a child
  14. I can do what I want
  15. Don’t tell me what to do
  16. Don’t touch me
  17. This dinner is rank
  18. I don’t like bananas,
  19. Why did you put a banana in my lunchbox?
  20. Why are you such a retard?
  21. You are so immature!
  22. Can I have your credit card?
  23. I need a new iPhone/ipad/Xbox
  24. Where are the car keys?
  25. What’s your PIN number again?
  26. MummMMMMMM!
    We now know why sage parents design ‘teenage retreats’ don’t we? When in doubt avoid eye contact, delegate problems onto ANY other breathing adult in the room and wait…preferably for several years, until they’re older and have reverted back to recognisable human form.

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